Tool of the Month - The Black Sun
Sacrifice
Deciding to take action is deciding to sacrifice all the other actions you could have taken. No wonder we don’t take action. Some part of us, a part tasked with protecting us from loss, is trying to prevent us from losing our chance to take ALL the actions. This is a fool’s errand. The Black Sun sends a message to our protectors, “I’m going somewhere with this sacrifice. I’m okay with losing other chances. I’m taking my shot now at shining in this one particular way, and I’m willfully doing so at the expense of all other ways.”
Here is how you can send this message, not with words, but with a powerful image:
CUE: You’re craving something that blocks your forward motion. Your phone, a substance, junk food, the remote control.
RESPONSE: Imagine you’re reaching out to grab it. Just as your hand is closing around it… it disappears. You’ll never be able to partake of that thing ever again.
Sit with the feelings of deprivation that come up. See the deprivation as a hole opening in the universe. A dark, endless void. Give it room to grow.
Now imagine you’re standing next to this gaping hole in the ground and you’re staring down into it deeply… and finding no bottom. Stare deeper in anticipation of something coming up from the bottom of this hole. And then it appears. A black sun.
As the black sun rises up toward you, you begin to feel its warmth coming up through your feet and legs. When the warmth overtakes your body, you now realize that the black sun is rising inside you. Through your belly… into your chest… your heart… your lungs… up into your throat. When the black sun reaches your head, it’s transformed into bright blazing sun beams.
Everyone around you sees you shining.
Testify!
This edition of Testify is an email from a client who has a beautiful take on the Black Sun.
I have been really digging into the monthly newsletters that you've been releasing. Around the same time you released your update talking about stand up paddling, I started to surf. It has been an exhilarating and humbling experience to wake up at the ass crack of dawn, only to get barreled by the tides for an hour and a half, while a 12-year old swoops by on a wave.
Anyway into the juice- This past month has had a lot of action. I witnessed way too many car accidents in the first week of August, have played shows that made me feel like a rockstar, unleashing a part of me that loves to be on stage and create in the moment. I've dealt with unexpected losses that I am still processing. At the crux of it all, I've re-entered the world of dating, after three years when we had spoken about my last relationship. And boy has it taken me on an adventure internally. This feels like the last dungeon in a Zelda game, where I am busting out all the tools I have acquired from the adventure thus far, from you and the Tools book. It has been feeling like all my wounds are opening, all the expectations that I had from my last relationship are constantly clawing at me to want things that I have worked so hard to realize are unnecessary. Things like, constant validation, constant communication, sex every time we see each other. Most importantly, giving too much of myself expecting the same to be returned.
It had started to really take a toll on me only three weeks in when I woke up in the middle of the night, yearning. I realized- no, I will not hurt the same way I did three years ago. I have plenty of connections that fulfill me, and this time, I'm a working musician damnit. I struggle too often and too long for someone to come and fuck it all up. I made a promise to my shadow that I would put us first this time. We have goals, after all. I use the Tower when I felt the hurt resurface from my last breakup. I look at the void inside of me, endlessly yearning, and let it disappear to watch the Black Sun rise inside of me. And on top of that, while I was made to love, I was first made to walk, I was made to create, and I was made to do so much more than wait by my phone for a text.
And so today something really special happened. I was scrolling when I saw that the person I am seeing has a second instagram, of which I wasn't following. I don't know why- it seems like a dumb gen z thing, but it hurt to see that we weren't following each other on what seemed like a more personal, intimate account. I hated that I felt this way. We had only been seeing each other for a month. But that was my cue- my yearning for closeness, my desire to text him to close the space that I intentionally left between us so I could focus on work this week. I used the black sun tool. I felt all of what I described, I closed my eyes.
It's always hard to erase something that feels so strong. But I just kept staring, into the darkness behind my eyelids, taking deep breaths, until I could feel the yearning start to dispel. Then there was nothing. I stared for a while. It reminded me of the ocean I stare into when I paddle out past the break. I don't know how long I had been staring, when I felt the black sun rising, it wasn't a sun. It was a grand piano that seemed small on the horizon, but got closer and closer and was massive. Weird. But I felt it grow; grow past my skin and project itself as a bright light outside of my body.
Not five minutes later I get a call from my high school chorus teacher, who I had reconnected with earlier this summer, telling me about a potential gig to accompany a high school chorus. This entire summer had been a financial struggle, a lack of gigs, and a whole lot of feeling directionless. And here is an opportunity that seemingly fell into my lap. And after having used the Black Sun tool, I didn't question my abilities like I tend to do. I didn't question myself on whether I'd be able to handle it. I just said, I'm gonna work my ass off to make sure I get this gig.
And that's my update! Whether or not I actually get this gig is a mystery, but it gives me hope that my Life Force is well equipped against the Ganondorf of my life that is Part X.
Parade of Shadows
Well I’ve written and rewritten this section of my newsletter about nine times in the past three days. I’m having a hard time knowing if it’s cowardice or compassion that stays my pen and stills my tongue. This cognitive dissonance is painful. A strange sort of relief comes from the opiates of instant video, social grafiti, and my imaginary friends in Podcastistan. They all tell me what I want to hear. That my worldview is valid and shared by smart and admirable people. And that feels good for a minute. But now the minutes have become 22 days.
So a few days ago I turned on Freedom. It’s the very sort of self-deprivation tool one can employ when inspired by The Black Sun. Now the dispatches from the Culture War front are muted long enough for me to finally sit down and write. And 1,300 shadow-inspired words flowed forth, which were encouraging to me alone. I drafted two songs, and wrote two psychotherapeutic tools you’ll never learn from me. I’ve also discovered and welcomed several shadows, only to decline the opportunity to share them with you here at this time.
As an individual, my highest priority is loyalty to my shadow in all his righteousness and wretchedness. But as your therapist, my highest priority is the mysterious and rare rapport I have with so many of you, and our shared quest for the alleviation of despair. It’s a healing we create by finding meaning in our suffering. So this benediction is all that remains for me to share with you.
May you taste the delicate sweetness of your own creativity when the aftertaste of high fructose content finally fades.
…it might take 22 days.
Don’t stop,
